Q&A: How to talk money without ruining relationships
Money conversations don't have to feel awkward or create drama — they just require a little honesty and practice. In today's Q&A episode, we're tackling all the relationship scenarios that make your palms sweaty: navigating different income levels with friends, splitting costs with a new partner, handling family gift expectations, and everything in between.
Whether you're wondering how to tell your bestie you can't afford that girls trip or figuring out finances with someone you just started dating, we've got some ideas for keeping your relationships strong while protecting your financial boundaries.
This one's for anyone who's ever smiled and nodded through expensive plans while internally panicking about their budget — we see you, and we've got your back.
Episode Timestamps:
[03:00] When one partner gets a big raise, should you lifestyle creep together or separately?
[05:00] How to split expenses without Venmoing each other constantly
[08:00] Should you tell your partner about every purchase?
[11:00] When should you tell your partner about debt?
[13:00] How should you split travel expenses when you’re in a new relationship?
[17:00] How should you handle a restaurant tab with friends?
[20:00] What to do when friends suggest expensive plans you can't afford
[26:00] How to maintain friendships across different financial stages
[27:00] Is it weird to talk about your salary with friends?
[31:00] How to handle holiday gift expectations
[38:00] Should you give unprompted financial advice to family members?
[42:00] Who pays for family trips? (And what if you don't even want to go?)
[49:00] Should you ever loan money to a family member?
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Transcript
Emily: [00:00:00] Are you drowning in money questions, but too embarrassed to ask? Tired of scrolling endlessly through conflicting financial advice that leaves you more confused than when you started. Welcome to the Finance Girlies Podcast, your cozy corner for all things finance. I'm your host Emily.
Cassidy: And I'm your host Cassidy.
We're both finance writers for brands like Forbes Advisor, USA Today Blueprint, and Yahoo Finance. Throughout our cruise and personal lives, we have come to one realization when we keep our money worries to ourselves. We end up feeling alone. That's why each episode we tackle those burning questions you've been afraid to ask.
With no judgment, no jargon, just real talk about real money. Ready to finally get answers. Let's dive in.
Cassidy: Hey, girlies, we're back with another Q&A episode, and today we're tackling something that constantly comes up, which is [00:01:00] money and relationships. So whether it's navigating different financial situations with friends, handling family money dynamics, or figuring out finances with a partner, we've got questions from our lovely listeners covering it all.
Emily: We always say that talking about money should feel like a conversation with friends, and that includes the relationships in our lives. These situations don't have to be uncomfortable or create tension, but they do require a little bit of planning and some honest communication. So let's dive in.
Cassidy: And just a heads up, first of all, um, I'm moving from Washington state to Minnesota this week. So this episode is coming to you from a mattress on my floor 'cause it's currently the only piece of furniture in my entire house. And Emily and I have not prepped for this episode at all, other than creating the list of questions from our listeners because we wanted to have it be like a little more casual and off the cuff and just kind of gauge each other's [00:02:00] responses and reactions and just make it a little less scripted and see what happens.
So we're very excited to see how this episode turns out.
Emily: Yes we are. It's gonna be fun. So let's start by talking about romantic partners. And this is something we've kind of covered in other episodes, but we do
have a few more questions that came in that we wanna cover. And honestly, some of the trickiest money conversations happen here just because there's so much emotion involved, you're often navigating different financial backgrounds and goals.
So we have questions ranging everything from early dating to long-term partnerships. Cassidy, you wanna start with the first question?
Cassidy: Yeah, so how do we handle it when one person gets a big raise? Do we lifestyle creep together or separately?
Do you have any initial first thoughts?
Emily: I think it depends on how you have structured your finances.
Cassidy: Mm-hmm.
Emily: Like, if you're early on dating, I think [00:03:00] separately, but if you're in an established relationship, if you're married, if you have combined finances, at least the way I do it is like one person's raise is both people's raise. And yeah, it's like we're setting our goals together so it only makes sense that our finances, like supports those goals together. What do you think?
Cassidy: Yeah, I totally agree. I have so many questions and we can't ask follow-up questions about this question, but I'd be like, describe your relationship to me, first of all, like how committed are you to each other? What, like, how combined are your finances already? Because yeah, if you're in the early mid stages of dating, like that person's raise is that person's raise, kind of. But similar to you, like anytime I have been in a relationship where one person's gotten a big raise, like, that has been our raise. And then we decide together like, do we wanna use this money to pay off debt? Do we want to use this money to [00:04:00] inflate our lifestyles a little bit, consciously, like, upgrade some things.
Emily: Yeah. And then one more thing, like neither of us have kids, but I think this becomes so much more important if like one person is the primary caregiver to kids and like, maybe can't get a promotion because they're taking a step back to like, take on a bigger parenting role. So in that case, for sure the raise should benefit everyone, whether that's like you're inflating your lifestyle or you're saving more.
Cassidy: Yeah, for sure.
Like if you're in a long-term committed relationship, and you can define those two terms how you want, my school of thought would be, the raise is yours. Like both of yours. So like, decide together, to an extent.
Emily: Yeah. Okay. Next question. How do you go about paying for things with a partner if you don't end up merging finances? And this person specifically added, without Venmoing each other all the time.
Cassidy: Yeah. So I feel like you have more [00:05:00] experience with this than I do because there was a period of time where you and your spouse didn't have merged finances. So do you wanna kind of speak to how you did things?
Emily: Yeah. Yeah, I can share what we did. I don't know if it's necessarily the best way, but like when we were living together before we were engaged or married, we kept all of our finances separate, but obviously we had shared expenses and rent was split evenly. Utilities were split, split evenly. But what we did with like, groceries was honestly, we just took turns each week switching off who paid for groceries.
Same thing with like, eating out, we would take turns. For bigger trips, we would do our best to just split things down the middle. And it was kind of just a back and forth thing, that, that worked best for us not having to keep close track. I think we both felt pretty laid back about our finances. Neither of us was [00:06:00] like a huge spender by any means. And if we were spending on something personal, obviously, it was coming out of our own accounts, but for those shared things, it just felt easiest to trade off.
I mean, one idea, and I don't know, if, what you think about this, like even if you're not married you can still open a joint checking account with someone and like, contribute to that and pay expenses out of it. Is that something you've ever considered or thought about?
Cassidy: I probably would like, especially if I was in a long-term committed relationship and we just weren't married. I feel like it could remove a lot of that back and forth and a lot of the stress. And you could also agree to like how much you're putting in there, right? It's like, is it just a couple hundred dollars? Like you're keeping most of your paycheck, but this is just an easy way for us to like, grab money out of this one account versus having to exchange transactions via Venmo and all of the things. I could see a world in which it works, like even if you're not married.
Emily: Yeah. Really it just comes [00:07:00] down to, is, if you're like having this conversation in the first place, I think you're probably gonna be able to figure out something that works for you. I think what the bigger issue is, is not talking about it and then like, resenting the other person for like Venmoing you, Venmo requesting you all the time for like, an ice cream cone.
Cassidy: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that will be the big theme as we go throughout these questions is like, what is going to allow you to feel the least amount of resentment? You know, like that's kind of the, the litmus test with all of these. It's like, will you feel resentful if you're, going back to the previous question, like your partner gets a big raise and like they have full reign to inflate their lifestyle, however much they want to with no thought or opinion from you.
You know, like those are all, anytime you start to feel resentment, it's like a little key indicator to be like, why am I feeling resentful? Like, let's sit with this and figure it out a little bit.
Emily: Yeah, for sure. [00:08:00] It's a good, like, litmus test.
Cassidy: All right, next question. Should we tell each other about every purchase?
My gut reaction is no. Um, yeah, and this, in my opinion, is like where a fun money category comes in, for example, it's like if you are agreeing, I have X amount of money every month to spend however I want to, it shouldn't really matter what you spend that money on 'cause you're like sticking to the limit you agreed to.
If you're in, you know, a type of relationship where you're discussing those kinds of things. At this point I, I feel like you should have free reign. I feel like I would feel really resentful if I had to run every single purchase by someone. I'd be like,I don't like any part of this.
Emily: Yeah. So I think I agree with you. If you each have your own fun money account and like, you wanna spend yours on whatever every month, and maybe your partner wants to like, save up for some big purchase like several months from now, I think that's totally up to each individual.
[00:09:00] Uh, but what do you think about when it comes to like, a joint account? Like a joint expense? Say like somebody wants a new fancy coffee maker that you're both gonna use.
Cassidy: I would say run it by. It doesn't hurt. Right?
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. I kind of like the idea of like if there is something that you want to buy using money from your joint account, like set a price limit where you'll talk about anything over that price, and under that price it's just like, use your best judgment. So like maybe your number is $50, anything under $50 you are free to spend out of the joint account.
Anything that's a bigger purchase, maybe run it by your partner first. I think that kind of system could work well for a lot of people.
Cassidy: Yeah, I agree. And then it's like if you put that kind of system in place and you get to the point where it's like, my partner's making 20 $50 purchases a week, and I feel overwhelmed by that, or whatever, you know? Then you circle back to being like, I feel a little resentful that we set [00:10:00] this rule, and I think they're taking advantage of it. So like, we need to have a conversation about it. But yeah, I do like that suggestion.
Emily: Yeah, totally. Okay, next question. Should I mention I'm paying off debt before things get serious? What do you think?
Cassidy: I mean, okay, so my initial thought is like, what is the context for wanting to tell this person this information? It's like, are you wanting to tell them that you're paying off debt even if things aren't serious because you don't have a ton of discretionary income to go spend on like all of these expensive dates, for example.
Cause like, if that's the case, I do feel like it's worth being like, Hey, one of my financial priorities right now is to pay off my debt. So, you know, I'm not looking to spend an exorbitant amount of money on all of these things right now. Like that's one example that pops up into my head.
I'm sure that there are more, but what is, what is your like initial gut reaction?
Emily: I don't think it's one of the first things you need to talk about, but I think maybe as [00:11:00] things start to get serious or like, if you see things moving along and you're like thinking about talking about other financial topics, which like, at some point you will, which we're gonna talk about another one in just a second.
At that point, I kind of think you should. If it were me, I would hope the person I'm with is like, understanding, and obviously, if you're like, early in a relationship, it's not gonna be something that they're necessarily gonna be helping you with, but at least they can support you in other ways, emotionally and, you know, or like maybe they also have debt and now you feel less alone or they've paid off debt and have tips to share with you. But I do think if you're like, thinking about marriage, you know, that debt will become the other person's debt too. So I do think you wanna share that before things get too far down the line.
Cassidy: Oh, for sure, for sure. If you're ever to the point where you're like, I feel like this is a secret at this [00:12:00] point, and I can’t tell this person about my debt, like that is a red flag. So get to having that open communication. I think no matter, like if you're dealing with a partner, a friend, family, open communication about these things is really, really important.
Emily: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Cassidy: Okay up next, how do I split a vacation with someone I just started dating?
And I will actually just read some, I'm a part of some, like, Facebook groups that are personal finance related, and I just read a thread, I'm recalling completely from memory where this gal was talking about how she just started dating someone months he wanted to go on a trip to like Costa Rica or something. I don't remember exactly where it was. And she ended up canceling it and saying, no, she didn't wanna go because they had only been dating for four months and he wanted to pay for the whole trip, and she was like, that feels weird to me.
She was like, I would feel more comfortable if whenever we dated, for as long as we dated, I paid for all of my own stuff. So there was like, no obligation to this other person because they've like paid this thing for me. And then if we ever get married, then they can pay for something. Like they can pay for my flight if they want to, or they can pay for the hotel or whatever. But her philosophy was, if I'm dating someone, I want to pay all of my own stuff so there are like, no strings attached.
Emily: Hmm. I can see that…
Cassidy: Yeah.
Emily: Making sense. I'm just having all of these examples though, pop into my head of people, friends of mine, for instance, going on trips really early in relationships, like big trips sometimes. And I think for the most part, everyone just like, paid for their own expenses and maybe off with like, joint expenses like you know, hotels, dinner, things like that.
But I am thinking [00:14:00] specifically of someone I know who started dating someone, and somewhat soon after, I don't really know exactly the timeline. The boyfriend is like a big, big time traveler and had planned this big trip abroad, I think, before they even started dating.
So he just,like, planned it for himself. And then a few months before was like, actually, do you wanna come on this trip with me? Like, you just need to buy your flight to get there. But like, I've already booked everything. You know, if you wanna like, book, extra activities or tours, like I'm like, we can do that, you're welcome to do that, but like, the accommodations are paid for, like, do you wanna come? And she did end up going and like, bought her way there, but also I think is on a much tighter budget. So in that case, I don't know, like I didn't see any big red flags with that situation.
Cassidy: Yeah. It's like the hotel's gonna cost what the hotel costs, whether it's me or me and one other person. So. Yeah.
Emily: And like.
Cassidy: Good on [00:15:00] him. That's a good mentality.
Emily: I planned this before I knew you. Now you're part of my life, so I want you to like, yeah.
Cassidy: Yeah, and I think people have different, like, internal rules for how they feel about that stuff. Like some people are just like, oh yeah, and almost paid for a vacation. Like, if you wanna pay for my stuff, like sure, go ahead. Like, I’ll go, I'll have a good time. And that is a totally valid thought process and experience.
And then some people are like, the, like the girl I was just talking about where you're just like, I don't want any assumptions to be made or like strings attached to this. I would feel most comfortable going on this trip if I paid for all of my own stuff. And, honestly, I don't know where I would fall. I would probably lean more toward, just let me pay for my own. And that may come from the fact that I feel a little bit more financially secure. But maybe the Cassidy of, I don't know, seven years ago would've been in a different head space where I was like, if I was dating someone and they wanted to pay for my flight or [00:16:00] pay for whatever, like, maybe I would've been more open to that because I would've been in like a tighter financial situation.
So.
Emily: Yeah, and I also think, for me it would depend on like, if my partner was making a lot more money than me and like that had been established and like, wanted to treat me like, sure. I, I personally don't think I would say no to that. But if they were like putting themselves in debt, obviously.
Cassidy: Oh yeah. Big no.
Emily: I would not feel good about that.
Mm-hmm.
Cassidy: Mm-hmm. For sure.
Emily: That's an interesting one.
Cassidy: Yeah.
Emily: Okay. Now we're gonna talk about friendships, which can sometimes be just as complicated as romantic relationships when money gets involved. So these are situations where you obviously want to maintain your friendships, but also protect your financial boundaries, and that’s where things can get a little sticky. So, first question, how do you split tabs with friends at restaurants? And [00:17:00] has that changed over time?
Cassidy: Okay. For me, it has definitely changed over time, and I kind of just alluded to it with the last question that we answered, but back in my earlier years, like early to mid-twenties, I was so frugal. I was very much on a tight, limited income trying to stick to a strict budget. And during those times, like if I went to a restaurant with friends, I only wanted to pay for whatever I bought or whatever I chose to order and drink because I was intentionally like, getting water because it's free and looking for one of the cheapest things on the menu, like no matter where I went.
And so, I wanted my $14 restaurant bill. You know, that was important to me and that's what allowed me to like, go and be able to have this experience with someone and feel financially okay about it. But over time, as my income has grown, as I've like, built these bigger financial cushions, now I am fully of the mindset of, everyone order whatever you want. And like I'll just [00:18:00] pay, if it's two people, I'll pay half or I'll do whatever. Um, and I really like that, but it's because I feel no, like, guilt or resentment about doing that at all. Like I'm happy to, I'm like, I want us to have this shared experience and I want us all to eat whatever we want. And so it's definitely changed based on my financial situation, like as it's improved over time.
So what about you?
Emily: Yeah, I definitely see myself in your story of like, the ultra-frugal phase of, you know, wanting to order something cheaper and only pay for my part of the meal. Yeah. Has it changed over time? I definitely am not as frugal as I used to be. I think one thing is like, I'm happy to, kind of like what I was saying with the question about splitting costs with a partner before you're married. Like, I'm willing to be a [00:19:00] little less exact about things. Like, for instance, if we are spending time with friends, maybe we like, trade off, one couple pays for one meal, another couple pays for another. And like, if it's not exactly equal, like, that's fine.
And I like to be, I guess, more generous when we can be, like, for instance, if we're visiting friends and we go out to dinner and they're like, hosting us, then I, I like being able to buy dinner. Yeah, or if it's like a special occasion for someone, you know, like a birthday or whatever it is. So yeah, I would say, for me it's just kind of like, it really depends on the context.
Cassidy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. What should I do when friends suggest expensive plans or a group trip that I can't afford?
Emily: Okay. I'm gonna tell you what I, like, my reaction would be, and then we will get to the [00:20:00] real, like, what I would suggest.
My reaction would be to like, smile and nod along and then, later when I'm back at home to like, really stress about it and rant about it to my husband.
Cassidy: Yeah.
Emily: But I’ve never actually, like, done that. I can't think of an example where I went on an expensive trip I didn't wanna go on. I just think that's maybe what I would do.
Cassidy: Yeah, I feel similarly. I think that there would be some like, internal panic going and then I would be like, okay, Cassidy, how are we gonna get ourselves out of this? I also think that this is such a good time to practice just being open and honest with your friends and if they are actually good friends that you deserve to have in your life, they will be understanding. And that is kind of a blanket statement but I do firmly believe if a, if a friend is like, upset or mad because you are telling them that it's not in your budget to go on this trip because it's too expensive and they're upset about it, [00:21:00] like, personally, I wouldn't want that person in my life anyway.
I'll give a little bit of context. I have a girl group that's kind of like this, like we're all, there are four of us and we're all kind of at different financial stages. And so like at every turn we try to find a common ground that works for us all. Like if we wanna take one trip a year, you know, like we're, we all kind of discuss like how much we're willing to spend on this trip and like whoever is suggesting the lowest amount of money, like that's gonna be the budget that we try to stick to because we want everyone to feel like they can go.
And if that person ends up being like, and this actually happened this year where this person was like, hey, I know we talked about going on a girls trip this year.
I unfortunately have, like, a few other trips that I didn't know were gonna happen this year, and I don't really have the budget for it. Like you all can go without me. Or like we can push it to next year. And then, come to find out, that opened up the floor for someone else, AKA me, to be like, I [00:22:00] actually have a lot going on the month that we wanna do this. Like I'm moving and all this other stuff. So I actually think it would be best if I probably sat out too. And then it ended up being a situation where we're just like, we’ll save it for next year. We'll still see each other, you know, in other ways. It's all good. Don't worry about it.
But I love that we have created this little safe space where all of us feel like we can talk about our concerns with, like, how much we're willing to spend on something. If something doesn't feel like it's gonna work out for us, and know that the people are gonna support us.
Emily: How did that first come up? Did one person the first time you went on a trip, say, let's talk about budgets, or like, how did you do that?
Cassidy: So, so the first time we ever went on a group trip, it was really cute. We all picked, we pretty much all created presentations of where we think we should go on this group trip. And there were four of us, but two of the people created like, I don't know, two different presentations. So we ended up having like five choices to choose from.
[00:23:00] And in almost all of our presentations we all pitched like, budget-friendly options for this trip, like medium options for this trip and like more expensive options. And so then we all secretly voted like, my favorite presentation was this one. Like, this is the trip I would like to go on. And for context, um, I don't remember all of the places we were gonna go to, but I think it was like Boston; Asheville, North Carolina; Joshua Tree; Salem, Massachusetts, is that where Salem is? And then maybe like a cruise. I can't remember what the other thing was.
And so we all ended up voting for Joshua Tree and then we all ended up discussing like, which of these options feel like they would work the most for us. And then we decided on like, one of the tiers, you know?
So that's kind of how, and then we created a spreadsheet. And then for that spreadsheet, like we all logged, like, this person paid for the Airbnbs, like everyone owes them this much money.
You know, we kinda like, kept a loose [00:24:00] log like that. And then the very last night of our trip we just kind of like, settled up financially. And that was a situation where like, usually I would personally be perfectly fine to settle up like, a few days after the trip, like, let's all get home, we can do the math and then send each other the money. But I could tell that like, for a few people it was really important that they, like, they had paid for some things and they like, needed their part of the money to feel good about everything. So I was like, more happy to do that. Cause I'm like, I remember what it's like to feel like I paid for this and I need all of your parts because this was a little expensive.
So once again, it just kind of goes back to the communication piece and also just remembering like, if you're not in that tight financial position, just being empathetic for the people who are and being like, I totally understand. We'll make sure that you feel good about this. Don't worry. So.
Emily: I love how in-depth that planning process was. That is so cute.
Cassidy: Yeah.
Emily: Um, I'm trying to think if I have anything to add to this one. I think [00:25:00] similar to you after I like, had that initial panic, I would, I would just be honest. Like I, I don't think, I am not willing to like, get into a tough financial spot to go on a trip.
So yeah, I think that strong conviction I have would not allow me to just go through with it. So I would have to say something.
Cassidy: Yeah, I agree. I would okay, Cassidy, this is an opportunity for you to practice doing hard things. We're gonna have this tough conversation, girl, but you're gonna get through it.
Emily: Yes, exactly.
Cassidy: Yeah.
Emily: Okay, and then this is pretty similar, but how do I maintain friendships when I'm in a different life stage financially?
Cassidy: Yeah, I think it circles back to what I just said, like just being very open. Having a lot of communication and trusting that no matter which side of that you're on, like if you're the one who you feel like you're maybe making the least amount of money or sticking to the strictest budget or in the tightest financial spot, just trusting that your [00:26:00] friends who might appear to a little more well off will understand and support you because they're your friend and they love you, and they want you to honor the goals and commitments that you've made for yourself, and they want you to feel financially secure. And in my opinion, if your friends are not doing all of that, like you deserve better friends.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I have anything to add to that. I think you're spot on. Okay, last question for the friends section. Is it weird to talk about salaries with your friends?
Cassidy: Okay. I don't know if this is because you and I are both freelance writers. Uh, we do a lot of the same work. A lot of our friends are people who are also freelance writers. We all do a lot of the same work, but I feel like whenever we get together, we're almost always guaranteed when we're together to be talking about, like, either our salaries or like how much we're charging for certain things, [00:27:00] our monthly income.
And so, I feel like we've just created this environment where it's not taboo at all. I can wholeheartedly say that like, I have been able to grow my income as a freelancer so much because I had these other freelancers in my life who were so open about discussing with me, like what they charged for certain things and how they priced certain things.
Because, I've talked about this in previous episodes, but my, like, idea of what I could charge for certain things was so small compared to what everyone else was charging. And so it wasn't until I heard someone else being like, no, I actually charge this for that, and like, people are willing to pay that and it's not a big deal and you deserve to get paid that much that I was like, okay, I guess I will do it even though I'm really afraid to.
But like had that conversation never happened, my income still would be a lot smaller than it is today. So that's a roundabout way of saying, I don't think it's weird to talk about salaries with your friends. I think a lot of good can come out of it if it's like [00:28:00] helping you rewrite the mindset of like, what's possible for you too.
Emily: Yeah, I tend to agree with that. Yeah, I'm trying to think about, I feel like most of my friends, even outside of like, the freelancing business world, are pretty open about talking about money. Um, which is nice. I think they know that like it's an interest of mine. So maybe that's part of it. But I also think it's understandable if you do feel weird about it.
It's so easy to judge people for the way they spend their money, especially when you know how much money they have.
And yeah, I think it's a genuine fear to have someone find out you make this much money and you're spending this much money on, you know, such and such. 'Cause you know, these days everyone sees everyone else spending like, out in public.
So yeah, I do think it's like, totally normal to feel that way. But there are for [00:29:00] sure benefits to doing so as you've already mentioned. I can see like, differences in comfortability with that, like between friends maybe being difficult, and I think at the end of the day, I think you probably have to respect the person who is like, more private, but I don't know.
Cassidy: Yeah. I'll also say that like, outside of my freelance circle, I do feel like I struggle a little bit with like, should I talk salary in numbers with this person? Should I not? And sometimes I am okay with it, you know, if, if someone's like, can you even make money as a freelancer? Like that doesn’t even really seem like a real job.
And I'm like, oh yeah, like I can kind of share my story with you and how my income has changed over the years. You know, like that's a good example. But then, I do think that you have to feel like you can trust someone with that information because someone might try to take advantage of you if you like, don't really know them and you tell them your salary. I, I don't know, like it's definitely not a blanket statement where it's like, never feel, feel weird about it, talk about it [00:30:00] with everyone. Like that's not what we're saying at all. But I do think there is a little bit of like, an internal litmus test that should go on.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. One other thing is like, I can see how you were saying if you share your salary and someone, maybe it's like, higher than someone thinks and them kind of having different expectations of you because of it, like, oh, then in that case you can afford to like split this, I don't know, or like, pay the majority of this, like vacation we're going on together or something like that. But I think talking about your salary is just, like, one very small piece of your financial picture and like, maybe you earn a lot of money, but you also are supporting your parents or like have a lot of debt or some other thing, and, you know, your salary is just really one side of the equation.
Cassidy: And finally, let's tackle money dynamics with family where like guilt, obligation, [00:31:00] and longstanding traditions can make things extra complicated, especially around, like, holidays and birthdays and stuff.
So these questions that we got are kind of all about setting boundaries while still helping maintain those important family relationships.
So the very first question we received is, how do I handle holidays when everyone buys expensive gifts, but that's not in my budget or a priority for me.
Emily: I guess I. I think first, like, it's okay if people have different philosophies around gift giving. It can be hard if you are a very generous gift giver and your loved ones, family members, like, are not. And I'm not saying that from experience, that is not, gifts are definitely not my love language, but I can see how that would be, that just might not feel the best as the person who's like always putting a lot of, you know, effort into gifts. I will say though, that I think, I mean it's, like, cheesy, but thought is so much [00:32:00] more meaningful than like, the amount of money you spend on a gift. To me, that's always been true. Like, I think I would rather somebody spend less money and put more thought into a gift for me than spend a lot of money. That's personally my preference. But yeah, if there's like a culture of, in your family, everyone buying expensive gifts, I can see how that would be really difficult.
But then again, I still don't think you have an obligation. I think what you can do is put an equal amount of thought into a gift and like, just be honest about your priorities, like, whether you have other financial goals, you're paying off debt, your income is low, like there are a million reasons you don't need to spend a lot on gifts, and I also don't think you need to like, justify it.
But there are other ways to like, show your love for your family.
Cassidy: Yeah, I agree. I got married when I was 21, and I don't know why, but [00:33:00] whenever I got married in my head I was like, I now have to be someone who gets everyone in my family a gift for the holidays. 'Cause like, I am a grownup, grownup now.
And I experienced so much internal stress with that thought because I was also on a very tight income, trying to be very frugal with the money that I had. I have a very big family. And then I had like my spouse's family to think about and I just like, instantly became overwhelmed and I was like, I really want to be able to do this thing and I don't know how to.
So, the very first Christmas I was married, I ended up, Emily, kinda like what you suggested, putting a lot of thought into the gifts that I gave because it, it did feel important to me to like, try to have something for everyone that we were gonna see for the holidays. So what I ended up doing was like, over the course of a few months, I would pop into thrift stores, Goodwill, whatever, and I would buy as many just like, plain, white coffee mugs as I [00:34:00] could.
And then I got like, these stencils from Hobby Lobby and like, watched a tutorial on pretty much how to like, monogram your own coffee mug and then you like, bake it in the oven so it stays on there. And so that's what I ended up doing for everyone. And because I had thrifted the coffee mugs and I did the stencils myself, you know, it, it ended up being relatively cheap.
But after that year I was like, I don't think I can keep doing that. So then I had to practice having the hard conversations of just being like, for me personally, I was like, do not feel pressured to get me a gift at all. Like spending time with you or having an experience with you matters more to me than like, you buying me something.
And I was also saying this to family members that I also could tell that it was like, important for them to give gifts, but also financially straining for them to give gifts. So I was like, I think that this would be better for all of us if we just kind of like, pivoted to spending quality time with each other instead of feeling like we need to buy each other gifts.
And [00:35:00] thankfully, I think we've never had a conversation about it, but I think everyone kind of felt like, a little bit of relief and was like, okay, so now the pivot has been to like, as a family, usually we'll like get each other gifts when we can, or if it's like thoughtful or whatever. But by and large we're just spending time with each other on the holidays and like that matters more to all of us, I think.
And that has worked out well. But I do know that there are some families that are, like, really, really, really big on like giving gifts and if you are in one of those families, I'm sorry, I don't think I have any tips for you other than like Emily said, to just try to think of something that's like equal in thought but easier on your budget.
And also just like, I guess practice having stronger boundaries and sticking to what really matters to you and like your convictions and just hoping that if they don't understand, like they'll eventually understand and come around. But if you're in that situation, I’m really, really sorry.
Emily: Yeah. I think the best thing you can do is just like, don't give in, I, I don't want that to sound selfish, but like, I don't know. I think your money is yours [00:36:00] to take responsibility for, and like, you gotta do what you gotta do, so.
Cassidy: Yeah. And also maybe there are opportunities in there to like be really smart about the gifts you wanna give. Like if you, if it is important for you to give gifts in some capacity, like go ahead and set your budget and be like, I have X amount of money to use for gifts. And then if you wanna get someone something expensive, like maybe start shopping early enough to where you can see if you can find that thing on Facebook Marketplace, for example, or eBay, or like, at a thrift store or something so you're not having to buy the thing brand new, but maybe you can find it in like, new condition and save a lot of money that way. Or I don't know, you can just like, give yourself more time to plan out exactly how much you wanna spend.
Emily: That's what we do. I think, and I think we mentioned this probably in our gift giving episode that we did around the holidays, but like, the strategy we use is if it's you know, the holiday season, we plan out everyone we [00:37:00] want to give a gift to so that we can see, okay, we need this many gifts. We can't be spending X amount of dollars on so and so and still buy gifts for all these other people. It just kind of like, puts things into perspective and brings some like, reason to your shopping so you're not just like, you know, getting swept away in the spirit of giving, which, you know, spirit of giving is great, but gotta watch your budget.
Cassidy: Yeah, it's so easy to get swept open into it when you're like, well, I should also just get a gift for this person. Like it's just one more gift and then this person, it's just one more gift and then all of a sudden, you know, you're buying gifts for like 10 more people than you originally intended to.
It's kinda like going into the grocery store without a shopping list versus creating a shopping list beforehand. Like I feel like if you just have a list of people that you're shopping for can just help you stay reined in just a little bit.
Emily: Okay, next question. Should you ever give unprompted financial advice to family members, especially when they're maybe doing [00:38:00] something you think is financially harmful?
Cassidy: Mm. This is so tricky and I don't think I can give a black or white like, yes or no answer. I feel like it would depend on, like, how close do you feel to this family member? How can you lead with curiosity vs. like, being judgmental. How receptive do you think they would be? I think if they're not, if you're not close to this family member and you don't think they would be receptive, like it's a no, like they're not, you know, I guess, hope that they figure it out. And once again, that's a blanket statement. Maybe someone would describe a situation to me in which I'd be like, actually no, maybe you could butt in, in that, in that circumstance. But. Um, I think in all situations I would just try to lead with like, a little bit of curiosity and just be like, hey, I noticed this thing was going on, like do you feel comfortable telling me a little bit about it? You don't have to, or, would you like to know what maybe I would do in your situation or like, what's helped me in the past? And [00:39:00] just try to yeah, lead with a little bit of curiosity.
Emily: No, I agree. I also think if possible, like you can almost establish, depending on your family dynamics, you may be able to kind of establish a little bit of a culture around having these conversations. For example, when I was just starting out working after college, I remember asking my parents about like, retirement savings and how all of these other things worked. I guess it depends on if you have someone whose advice you trust. But even just like, sharing experiences, I think, can like, set the tone for someone to either, a) be curious enough to ask for advice themselves, or b) maybe think a little bit more about their own situation individually.
Cassidy: Yeah, I know I've also had times in the past where it's like, I don't know if a sibling is like moving to a new city, or if like, a [00:40:00] parent has something going on and I'll just be like, absolutely no pressure. But like if you ever want help with this thing, like figuring out a budget for your new place or you know, if they got a, if they got a new job, like figuring out how your salary breaks down compared to your expenses.
Like I would absolutely love to help you do that thing. Absolutely no pressure if not, like I love you, I'm here to support you.
Or just like, you know, if I found out a family member had like $30,000 in credit card debt, I would be like, how do you feel about managing those payments? Does it feel stressful? Do you feel like you're able to handle them okay? And then I would probably be like, if you ever want help figuring out how you could pay that off more quickly or anything like that, I'm totally here. I would love to help you do that. It's kind of my go-to. I'm here, would love to help you, if not, still love you.
Emily: That's great. I guess you could call this unprompted advice, but I think it was very well received when my brother graduated college, I think, I gave [00:41:00] him I will Teach You to Be Rich, which is one of my favorite finance books. I guess that's unprompted, but he received it well and it was a success. So yeah, you could always offer resources if you're ever curious about this thing, I learned a ton from such and such. You know, if you ever wanna borrow my copy or whatever.
Cassidy: Yeah. I mean if someone just gave me like, a personal finance book for my like, I don't know, my 32nd birthday. I'd be like, what are you trying to tell me? But if I just graduated college or you know, there's like some milestone thing going on and I got like a personal finance book I'd, I'd be like, thank you. Like I, I'm in a life transition, you know? Thanks for this.
Emily: Yeah. I'm gonna get you a finance book for your 32nd birthday.
Okay. This next question is really interesting. How do you handle the cost of family trips? Do parents pay? Should it [00:42:00] be an equal split? What if you don't even want to go but feel obliged?
Cassidy: My first thought is in my adult life, I've never taken a family trip, so I don't know how this would play out in real life. The last like, quote unquote, family trip that I took was when I was in graduate school. I, all of my family was going on a cruise, like my parents, one set of aunt and uncles, another set of aunt and uncles, my cousins.
And because I was in grad school, I was like, I'm not in a financial position to do this. And I communicated that to my family. Like I would absolutely love to go on this trip. Do not feel obligated at all. It would be a blast, but it's just not in the budget. And I did have an older family member be like, we really want you to come too, so like, we'll, we'll pay for you. You know, and I was very grateful for that.
But beyond that, like my family trips consist of, you know, me living on the West coast and flying to the East coast every Christmas to see family. [00:43:00] And so I'm just like, you know, sleeping in spare bedrooms and we're spending time together that way, but we're not like spending money on things.
So I don't know what I would do. Hmm. Actually, maybe I do. Given my current family dynamics of like how comfortable I feel financially, how comfortable my family feels financially, I probably would opt to, I would 100% pay for my own stuff, absolutely. I would probably even opt to like, pay for other things as well, you know, like lodging or something to feel like everyone could come and still make it work and that no one was being, you know, stretched too thin financially. I would probably be like, I really want to do this because I want us as a family to have this experience. Yeah, I don't have any like, concrete actual trips to back that up. What about you?
Emily:I like what you said about the um, cruise, and like good for grad school you to be like, I actually can't afford this.
Cassidy: Yeah. Once again, it goes back to the conviction that you [00:44:00] mentioned. You know, it was like one of those real life scenarios being like, I don't wanna have this conversation, but my convictions are too strong. I won't do this to myself.
Emily: Yeah, for a trip. I, well, no, I already said I wouldn't go into financial ruin for a trip.
But, in the past, after graduating, my siblings and I have all lived in different places. And so, post-college, I would say a family trip is maybe like,my parents saying we wanna go, you know, on a trip. We're gonna like, rent this Airbnb, um, and like whoever can come can come and we'd love to have you.
I'm trying to remember when I lived far away, out West, if like, I paid for my own plane tickets in those situations. I do remember, like, making trips to visit, like my grandparents when I lived out West, and, because I wanted to, like, genuinely, and I was like, I, I am willing to buy this plane ticket to come see you. And after the [00:45:00] fact, them being like, so how much did you spend? I'll write you a check. And being like, oh my gosh, you don't have to do that. I have a few of those little examples. The part of this question that is interesting is what if you don't want to go but you feel obliged? That's tricky.
Cassidy: I got other plans. Something important's come up.
Emily: Yeah, it's tough because like, I have like, preferences when it comes to travel, of like, the things I wanna do, the places I wanna go. Um, and like travel is expensive, so I like to put a lot of thought into it and not just, like, be frivolous or like, spend money on things, places I don't really care to experience.
So I would be hesitant to like, go on a trip just 'cause I feel like I had to, unless it was being paid for by somebody else. Like I don't think I'd be like [00:46:00] hurrying to fork over a bunch of cash for a trip that didn't really sound fun unless it was, you know, like in celebration of someone or someone's special occasion, you know, that maybe is a little different. But.
Cassidy: Yeah, and if that was the case where you're just like, I really don't wanna go on this thing, but I feel like I need to be there because it, you know, celebrating something big, maybe there's room for compromise in there where you're like, first of all, figuring out what's important for you to make this trip feel worth it to you, and then trying to work those things in somewhere so you're not just constantly at every moment of this trip doing something that someone else has like pre-planned for the group to do that you actually don't wanna be doing.
Emily: Yeah, and then again, you'd be resenting whoever planned this trip the whole time.
Cassidy: Right. So I do that, a lot of times, it's actually, this is a tip that I picked up in therapy years ago, but of just being like. For example, when I fly to Georgia to see family, a lot of times there are like [00:47:00] five or six different households to see, and everyone lives two to three hours apart. So it's really easy to just spend a very short amount of time at everyone's house and like you just feel obligated and you're just like going all around.
But one year, my therapist is like, why don't you write down like, three things that would be an absolute delight for you to do while you were there? And one of them was like, see my childhood best friend, like even if it's just for dinner, you know, to like, go visit the town where I went to college 'cause it's not near any of my family, but it's like close enough and it's really nostalgic and I've got, you know, good memories there. And then I don't remember what the third thing was, but. Like even weaving in those three things in an already busy schedule ended up making the trip feel like a million times more worth it because you are squeezing in things that feel important to you too. So like taking that mindset into it too, of being like, what would make this trip feel extra special for me?
Even if it's a small thing, maybe it's, you know, being able to like, have an evening to yourself or something like that.
Emily: No, that's, I love that. That's a really good, tip. Yeah, kind of on this note, [00:48:00] I think, we didn't really talk about this yet, but like, maybe somebody has the idea to like, do this trip. I think that's where it can be a little fuzzy. Like, if somebody suggests the trip, does that mean they're paying for the trip? I think ideally, like when I'm, when I'm older and wiser and richer, I would love to be like, hey so and so, you wanna go on this trip? don't worry, I got it. Kind of thing. Or even like, yeah.
Cassidy: Yeah. It’s on me.
Emily: Or even like, yeah, this is like, kind of a fun dream idea, is to have like, a big wedding anniversary or birthday celebration and like, invite everyone you know, or everyone you know you want and just like, be able to pay for the party, you know, kinda like a wedding.
Cassidy: yeah,
Emily: That'd be awesome, but gotta have the funds.
Cassidy: For sure, for sure. This does remind me, um, I was [00:49:00] talking to one of my good friends, this was a few months ago, about like, what a rich life, you know, would kind of mean to us. And the one thing she said that was so beautiful is that like, her rich life would consist of, like for her close friends’ birthdays, being able to plan a surprise trip for them and just like, pay for the whole thing and take them on this trip for their birthday.
And I was like, that is the most precious thing to like, wanna be able to do for the people in your life.
Emily: I want to be friends with that person.
Cassidy: Yeah, and also like I, I think that if those are like the desires that we want, we'll get there.
Emily: Yeah. I love that. Okay, last, last question. What do you do if a family member asks you for money?
Cassidy: Okay, this has only happened to me a few times, but I can walk through like kind of what my head space was or like my rules for if I wanted to do it or if I didn't.
So my first question I asked myself was, if I gave this person this money, would it put [00:50:00] me in a tight spot financially? Would I be jeopardizing my own, like, financial wellbeing to help them out in any way? And I concluded that the answer was no. I was like, I do think that I could give them this money and still be good.
The second thing that I asked myself was if this person was never able to pay this money back to me despite their best intentions, would I be resentful to them for that? Would I, would I feel like, oh no, I really shouldn't have given them this money? I concluded that my answer was like, if for some reason they couldn't pay me back, I would feel okay about it. I would be like, it's okay. You know, I want, I want them to pay me back and like I will communicate that to them and we will talk about those details. But like internally, if the answer is yes, then like, I'm good to lend the money, you know.
But I, this has been with smaller amounts of money, like, I don't know, maybe $400 at the most. Someone has came along and asked for like $10,000 before, and I'm like, [00:51:00] no. Because once again, going back to my litmus test, I'm like, this would, this would be money I would be taking out of my emergency fund. Like it, it does feel like it would be affecting my financial wellbeing and the security that I feel and that I've worked so hard to build up.
And then two, if for some reason I did not get this money back, like I would be pissed. So, so, um, like letting that kind of be the test as well. So, and who knows, like maybe as my financial security grows and I get older, you know. I'm like a grandma's age, I'll be like, I've got so much wealth to give. I'll give you $10,000, it's fine. But I'm not in that spot.
Emily: I've heard the advice, which I think is good advice, and similar to what you said, if some, if a family member or someone like you have a good relationship with asks to borrow money, like, only give it if you wanna give it as a gift, kinda like you said. So [00:52:00] yeah, I think that just kind of releases any pressure of there being like, tension on the relationship.
Cassidy: Mm-hmm.
Emily: So yeah, I think you have a good system there.
Cassidy: I feel like you just summed up everything that I said in one sentence. It's like, would I give this money as a gift? That's, that's the ultimate litmus test. And if the answer is yeah, then like, do it. You know? Do it if you want.
Emily: Yeah. That too. Do it if you want to.
Well, that's a wrap on our money and relationships Q&A. I feel like we answered some really good questions, and I always love these Q&A episodes.
But I think something that is worth taking away from this episode is that these conversations can feel really hard at first, but they do get easier with practice. And you don't have to have everything figured out, but you do need to be able to communicate about these things.
Cassidy: And communicating may feel very scary at first, but it is a muscle that you'll [00:53:00] exercise and each time you practice communicating, you get a little bit braver and a little bit stronger and a little bit more prepared to communicate the next time. So it gets better.
But yeah, whether it's setting boundaries with family gift giving, being upfront with friends about your budget, or navigating finances with a partner, the key is just being honest about where you are at currently and what works for you.
And please, please, please remember that good relationships and relationships that you deserve to have and that are worth keeping in your life will, those people will be able to handle these conversations. In fact, like, it could even strengthen your relationship that you have with this person because of like the vulnerability and the open communication and the honesty that's going on.
Emily: Yes. Yeah, and if you have more questions about money and relationships or really any topic, please send them our way. Um, you can send them to hello@thefinancegirlies.com. We love hearing from you, and we'll be sure to keep [00:54:00] any and all questions on hand for our next Q&A episode.
Cassidy: We will see you next week.
Emily: That's a wrap on another episode of the Finance Girlies podcast. Nothing in this episode is meant to be taken as financial advice.
Cassidy: Please do your own research and talk to a professional if you need advice. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, don't [00:19:00] forget to subscribe, rate and review. Love you. Bye.
